News & Updates

 

 

How To Fake Being Sick (To Get Out of Work)

 

The best way to get out of work is the fake stomach virus. This is because absolutely NO ONE wants to hear about it. So, be sure to describe it in great detail to your boss on the phone when you call. "Oh God, it's just coming out both ends" and "It's not even solid" are good phrases to use. For added effect, go outside or turn up the TV to make it sound like you've actually left for work. Then, whimpering desperately, explain how you ralphed all over yourself on the bus. Your pants are covered in it. Moan, "I LISTENED TO SWIVS..." and say you got puke on an old lady next to you on the bus and she fainted so they kicked you off. You must return home to change your clothes but you don't think it's a good idea that you come in today. A 'bad' chicken salad sandwich from the deli near your job is always a good explanation. (Vegetarians and Vegans- just say 'I ordered food and it must've had meat in it. I knew it tasted too good...')

It's a health code violation for you to be in the workplace when you are sick. On the off chance your boss demands you still come in- no problem. Get a green or yellow Gatorade and some potato chips on the way. Mash up the potato chips in the bag and pour them into the Gatorade. Let marinade until chips are soggy. Be sure to use half the bag, as you need the mixture to be a 50/50 liquid/solid consistency.

Now you're at work. Groan a bit. Place your hand on your stomach and moan a little. Own the role. Wait until no one is looking and get a good mouthful of your DIY vom juice. Now (and this is key) make sure your boss is watching when you projectile spew this funky yellow mess onto the floor, or if you're feeling nice, a near by trash can. After all, you don't want to get it on your clothes because you're probably not going straight home when your boss tells you to go to the doctor. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"You're still here?

 

It's over.

 

Go home.  

 

Go."