This is all a bunch of bullshit, right?
Everyone knows these band "bios" are either written by their friends, family or worse; by themselves and in the third person. The end product is usually a revolting exercise in self-absorption and poor salesmanship, compiled of tedious tidbits about them that no one gives a shit about and/or copious amounts of name dropping/obscure musical references; none of which is gonna change your mind about their music. These people probably smell their fingers after they scratch their asses, too.
That being said; Were I to indulge in such a narcissistic travesty, it would probably read something like this:
WILLIAM SCHALDA jr. is swivs.
"Schalda has a hobo's voice and the dick of an angel." -James Ruppleton (Palpable Tuft)
Born in Brooklyn, New York on July blah, 19-nobody cares and currently residing in Yonkers, William Schalda Jr.'s 'sound' is steeped in the tenets of the underground GMSM (Grassroots Monophonic Synth Movement) widely popularized by bands such as Plain English, Velour, Palpable Tuft, and of course- Some Other Band You've Never Heard Of. His musical resumé is as long as this paragraph is full of shit: Very. He's toured with various acts over the years including His Old Band, His Brother's Band, His Old Friend's Goddamn Band and most recently, His Good Friend's Very Successful Soul Band. After years of blah blah, Schalda decided it was time to whatever out on his own. The result: The DePop Musik Revolution. The time is now or something, and SWIVS is here to give the time back to you, for the time being. Or some other clever bullshit, but I don't care.
don't you want to vomit now?
Go ahead. Spew right into your $20,000 laptop. Hold your $5000 phone away from your face as hot chunks of meatball parm and deli coffee from two hours ago comes gushing out of your mouth onto the old lady next to you on the bus. Let the wretched words you just read conjure forth the last drops of bile from your convulsing esophagus until that white hot razor blade acid scrapes through your throat as you cough and gasp; murmuring to yourself like a schizophrenic lost in a subway tunnel, "Never again...never again..."
I'm only kidding. Enjoy the album!
"THE KARMA SUTURE, just like 'The Bible', is an enjoyable (and useful) deception. At face value, it's another frantically fun, hodgepodge of stand-alone, stylistic experiments. However, if you listen carefully to the lyrics, the album's plot line plays out quite cinematically. From the stark realization of insignificance presented in 'The Greatest Song Ever Written by Swivs' to the wisdom and regret reflected upon in 'All That's Behind Me Now', the sardonic narrative (and signature, slapdash production quality) asks and answers the age-old question: What if B-movie pioneer Ed Wood Jr. wrote and directed Prince's Purple Rain? Have a listen and find out... IF YOU DARE!!!"
- James Ruppleton (Palpable Tuft)