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URINAL OTTER TROUBLE

 
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SWIVS 

This is all a bunch of bullshit, right?

Everyone knows these band "bios" are either written by their friends, family or worse; by themselves and in the third person. The end product is usually a revolting exercise in self-absorption and poor salesmanship, compiled of tedious tidbits about them that no one gives a shit about and/or copious amounts of name dropping/obscure musical references; none of which is gonna change your mind about their music.  These people probably smell their fingers after they scratch their asses, too. 

That being said; Were I to indulge in such a narcissistic travesty, it would probably read something like this:

WILLIAM SCHALDA jr. is swivs. 

"Schalda has a hobo's voice and the dick of an angel." -James Ruppleton (Palpable Tuft)

Born in Brooklyn, New York on July blah, 19-nobody cares and currently residing in Yonkers, William Schalda Jr.'s 'sound' is steeped in the tenets of the underground GMSM (Grassroots Monophonic Synth Movement) widely popularized by bands such as Plain English, VelourPalpable Tuft, and of course- Some Other Band You've Never Heard Of. His musical resumé is as long as this paragraph is full of shit: Very. He's toured with various acts over the years including His Old Band, His Brother's Band, His Old Friend's Goddamn Band and most recently, His Good Friend's Very Successful Soul Band. After years of blah blah, Schalda decided it was time to whatever out on his own. The result: The DePop Musik Revolution. The time is now or something, and SWIVS is here to give the time back to you, for the time being. Or some other clever bullshit, but I don't care. 

don't you want to vomit now?

Go ahead. Spew right into your $20,000 laptop. Hold your $5000 phone away from your face as hot chunks of meatball parm and deli coffee from two hours ago comes gushing out of your mouth onto the old lady next to you on the bus. Let the wretched words you just read conjure forth the last drops of bile from your convulsing esophagus until that white hot razor blade acid scrapes through your throat as you cough and gasp; murmuring to yourself like a schizophrenic lost in a subway tunnel, "Never again...never again..."

 

I'm only kidding. Enjoy the album!

 

 

 

 
 

FANCYPANTS BULLSHIT:

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URINAL OTTER TROUBLE

by SWIVS

All songs written, performed and recorded by me, William Schalda Jr., in my apartment. All live percussion and some backing vocals written, performed and recorded by him, David Patrikios at OrchardRecordingStudios.com. Some vocals and lyrics on 'Let's Interact' written and performed by her, the terrifyingly talented, Michelle Neat.

Mastered masterfully by Master Scott Craggs at OldColonyMastering.com.

Album artwork by the Queen Destroyer of All Unworthy Souls, Nazi-Vampire Slayer and dance enthusiast, Penelope Gazin at PenelopeGazin.com

Thanks to DJ Paul Bruno, this album is salted and slated for tentative release on cassette and CD through Unblinking Ear Records at unblinkingearrecords.bandcamp.com

Special thanks to audio guru, Jens Jungkurth at The Diamond Mine (NYC), for reminding me that I still have no fucking idea what I'm doing...yet.